Thoughts | Sometimes it’s OK to have a shitty day

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I don’t know about you, but I like to be on top of my game.

This morning though, I woke up feeling off. I didn’t quite understand why.

I didn’t know how to start my day. What to focus on. What project to work on.

My mind felt clouded. 

I felt fragile and lonely.

I kept on going with my day, working disorganized, shifting from one idea to the other. I was getting annoyed with myself so I decided to go to a yoga class. Yoga always makes me feel better. 

However, this afternoon, it didn’t. In fact, it did quite the opposite. It’s almost like the twisting and stretching unleashed emotions that were hidden deep down inside of me. 

The fact is I work very hard every day to stay positive, productive and happy.  For me, it’s an everyday battle but I’m pretty good at it. I’m good at focusing on what’s great in my life, at being grateful for the littlest things and at turning darkness into light. It’s a skill you learn to master when you have to deal with depressive episodes from time to time.

Yet sometimes, I just don’t feel good and I try to fool my own self thinking it’s all going to be OK. I convince myself that I’ll be able to transform my bad day into a good one by putting my pink sunglasses on. I don’t let myself feel what I need to feel, in order to feel better (so many feelings I know!!!)

Well today, it seems I wasn’t convincing enough. I bursted into tears in my yoga class (luckily it happened during Shavasana and I was able to hide it).

I had no idea what was happening or why. All I knew is that I was thinking about work during the whole class.

Work…ahhh. You know, this thing that can take control of our lives and freedom, yet can make us feel accomplished and fulfilled? #Mixedemotions

I often talk to my friends and family about how happy I am to be my own boss, to work my own hours, to choose the projects I work on…But in the past days, being a freelancer haven’t felt that good.

For the first time in two years, I don’t have anything in the pipeline and it’s scary.

I also find working from home quite challenging at times because it get’s lonely.  Every now and then I miss going to work in the morning and having a bunch of friends to say hello to. To chat with during coffee breaks. To laugh with at launch time. 

Ironically it’s one of the best benefits of freelancing. 

Some days, I stay in my pyjamas all day and again, and I love it.  But other days it feels good to get dressed, to put some make up on and to feel good about yourself.

So today I came to the realization that it was Ok to feel shitty, and I didn’t try to fight it.  After my yoga class I went to Satay Brothers to eat my favourite comforting laksa soup and went home to take an equally comforting bubble bath. I lit up incense and put candles everywhere to transform my my apartment into the coziest safest haven and started to write the thoughts i’m sharing with you now. 

Don’t worry, my happy self should be back by tomorrow. Sometimes, you just need those bad days to help you appreciate the good ones. 

Namaste 

Magali Rack